December 22, 2018
Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Matthew 5:
2 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
It’s 4:30am. I’ve been lying in bed for the last ½ hour to an hour trying to write a prayer letter/blog in my head about grief and pain. I guess it’s time to wake up, process, and write. The Lord has done this before — he has allowed me to stay awake and nudge me and said write. Spend time processing with me. How often is it that the house is quiet, everyone is asleep and you have nowhere to go and nothing to do? Uh — I’ve got plenty to do, God. Catch up on sleep! Especially when my kids have been sick all week with fevers and colds, coughing so hard it’s turned into wheezing that the doctor said my oldest needs to go on albuterol with the nebulizer. Yet, nothing is better than just sitting with my Savior and reminding me of the comfort of the greatest gift — presence. Emmanuel – God with us.
Psalm 73
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
My flesh and my heart have certainly failed me the last week and three days. I’ve found myself grieved and sad — not as much angry at God (maybe that’ll come later in the grief cycle) but just overwhelmed with sorrow. This must have been a glimpse of what God felt watching Jesus go through the agony of knowing his Son was walking into his death, and then the immeasurable pain he must have felt when he actually did die. The song that’s been really meaningful to Drew these days is How Deep the Father’s Love For Us — specifically the line “how great the pain of searing loss.” For me, with it being the Christmas season the words “A Thrill of Hope, the Weary World Rejoices” has been my line from O Holy Night.
I am weary — exhausted, spent, drained, burned out by my own loss, but also weary of brokenness I see in this world. I’m weary from reading articles about families being separated at our border, the hard work that still has yet to be done in our country when it comes to racial reconciliation, the reality of school-to-prison pipeline, the reality of sex trafficking and slavery, the effects of porn on marriages, children and families, the Yazidi crisis, the war in Syria, the overall refugee crisis, the damaging effects of global poverty (Wow. Apparently I didn’t realize how much I’ve had on my mind lately!). Yet, we see a glimpse of hope not in any circumstance, but in a person – Jesus. He will come and make all broken things new one day. There WILL be a day when justice will be brought to the unjust, goodness will trump evil, chains will be broken, healing will balm the weary soul. The beautiful thing is, it began when Jesus came and dwelt among us, and became God incarnate. And it’s still going because he also wants to use people toward this end – to act, to bring about justice, to break chains and bring healing.
I’ve been thinking about this recently — how can God possibly know what I’m going through? Oh, well of course — he lost his Son. God is familiar with loss and deep pain. One of the things I’m clinging to is that loss is loss. And it needs to be grieved. While it’s true that God has already blessed me with two children (and for that I’m SO grateful and hugged them real tight when I got home from my appointment when I found out that we lost our third), that doesn’t lessen or negate the fact that my arms will be empty come July from a baby that is currently lifeless in me. The baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. I’m currently waiting (anxiously) for death to come out of me. Loss is loss. It’s painful, and it needs to be acknowledged.
While I know my God to be good, to be God Incarnate, one who became man, to be Emmanuel, God With Us, sometimes hearing those things is actually not as helpful as hearing “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Platitudes can feel trite and can fall flat — which is usually the opposite effect of what one wants to offer. I think this goes back to Romans 15, of rejoicing with those who rejoice, and mourning with those who mourn. However so often, mourning and pain can feel so uncomfortable, or frankly, just awkward that we don’t know what to say so we don’t say anything at all. Might I encourage you, if you know someone who has had a miscarriage, or is going through infertility, or loss of any sort — to not ignore it, but at least say something.
One of the most encouraging things that a friend has said to me recently is: “This sucks.” I just bawled and with tears streaming down my face then (and now) I responded “yeah, it does.” Empathy doesn’t have to be complicated.
Another encouraging thing that a friend has done is text: “How are you doing physically? If you don’t want to respond I totally understand, but just wanted to check in.”
Acknowledgment of loss, and pain. But no expectation to respond knowing that people grieve in different ways and may not have the emotional capacity or desire to respond.
Mourning and lament is biblical. I’ve been learning that this past year when it comes to racial reconciliation. Lamenting the pain of my Black brothers and sisters, is so important. Reading up on slavery and acknowledging it happened and the damaging effects it still has today are vital. Heck there’s a whole book in the Bible about lament – Lamentations. I’m so thankful for the people and podcasts who have helped me to learn that when it comes to this subject; I still have much more to learn. So I lament – I mourn the loss of this baby. This precious life that I’ll never get to watch, hold his or her hand, know if she looked just as mixed as my other two, figure out this little one’s quirks and personality. And yet — there’s hope.
We’ve been thinking about naming our baby and I’ve always loved the name Micah. I knew a girl named Micah when I was in Middle School – she was a lovely Filipina friend who I admired since she loved God and had a kind disposition about her. I know a couple boys named Micah — one in college who has walked through terrible pain and loss and yet walks with Jesus and one who is still five. So after much thought we’re going to name our baby Micah. I feel like God is asking me to live out this verse in this season, and likely this next year as I’ve been thinking a lot about loss and brokenness in this world.
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8
I wonder why in the ESV and AMP version this is a question and not a period, unlike the NIV and other versions. It makes me think that God doesn’t assume that we’re going to walk with him, that he asks us to, but it takes just that – action. Walk is a verb. It’s not a stationary thing, but static. Walking takes physically getting up, and moving forward. Then, the adverb there that follows is “humbly”, to walk and follow God in a way that is humble. The AMP version expounds on this: “setting aside any overblown sense of importance or self-righteousness.” As I’ve been thinking about all the brokenness in this world, I’m seeing more and more that inaction is not an option. To do requires action — justice is to be done. To love, requires action, love with kindness. To walk, requires action.
I pray the Holy Spirit empowers you and I, “so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:10).
May He get the glory as we think about brokenness, loss, and pain… and yet remember that there is hope. Hope in the one who embodies it, and came to offer it that we might experience it — in this life and the next.
Early Morning Musings On Miscarriage
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